The Basics: Understanding and Respecting Pronouns
We all use pronouns every day, often without thinking about it. They’re the words we use to refer to people when we’re not using their name—think of words like I, you, she, he, it, or they.
But for many in the rainbow community and their allies, pronouns are much more than just a grammatical tool; they are a fundamental way to acknowledge a person’s gender identity. Simply put, asking and using a person’s correct pronouns is one of the most basic, yet most powerful, ways to show respect. You can never tell what someone’s pronouns are just by looking at them!
He/She/They: A Closer Look at Common Pronouns
Pronouns are generally categorised as either gendered or gender-neutral.
Gendered Pronouns
- She/Her/Hers: These are typically used by people who identify as female.
- He/Him/His: These are typically used by people who identify as male.
While these are the most common uses, it’s important to remember that gender doesn’t always fit neatly into a box, and sometimes people who don’t strictly identify as male or female might use these pronouns.
Gender-Neutral Pronouns
They/Them/Their: This is the most common set of gender-neutral pronouns. These pronouns don’t imply a binary identity of “male” or “female” and are widely used by non-binary and gender-diverse people. You might be surprised to know that using “they” for a single person has been part of the English language for centuries!
Other Neopronouns: There is also a variety of other gender-neutral pronouns (sometimes called “neopronouns”) that some people prefer, such as xe/xem/xyr or ze/hir/hirs. While these might take a little extra practice, showing the effort to use them correctly is a meaningful sign of respect. When in doubt, just politely ask.
Why Correct Pronouns are a Big Deal
Why is all this fuss over a few small words? Because being referred to by the wrong pronouns—a mistake called misgendering – can be deeply hurtful.
For many transgender and gender-diverse people, deciding on and sharing their pronouns is a personal and sometimes challenging process. When you use the right ones, you affirm their identity and signal that you see and accept them for who they are.
When you use the wrong pronouns, whether intentionally or accidentally, it can make a person feel dismissed, invisible, or even actively rejected. Put simply, using the pronouns a person prefers is a matter of their well-being and happiness.
Genitals ≠ Gender ≠ Pronouns
This is a crucial point to understand: a person’s anatomy has absolutely no bearing on their gender identity or the pronouns they use. Making assumptions based on someone’s physical appearance is a major mistake. What’s more important: your expectations, or a person’s happiness? Always default to respect.
The Inevitable Slip-Ups (And What To Do)
You’re only human. When you start using new pronouns for a friend or colleague, slip-ups will happen. It can feel awkward, frustrating, or even make you feel guilty, but it’s important not to turn your mistake into a bigger issue.
When you accidentally misgender someone:
- Don’t over-apologise or make a huge fuss. This puts the focus and emotional labour back onto the person you’ve misgendered.
- Quickly correct yourself and move on. For example: “I saw she—sorry, they—were at the event yesterday.”
- Keep trying your best. Consistency is what matters most. With a little practice, it will become second nature.
Making a Difference: How to be a Great Ally
You can take action right now to make a difference in your community:
- Practice, Practice, Practice: Start consciously using the correct pronouns for the people you know.
- Share Your Own: Consider putting your own pronouns (she/her, he/him, they/them, etc.) in your email signature, on social media profiles, or when you introduce yourself. This normalises the practice and makes it safer for others to share theirs.
- Respect Privacy: Remember that some people might not be “out” or openly using their correct pronouns with everyone, especially family. Always check with them to make sure you won’t ‘out’ them to others unintentionally.
By simply being a supportive, understanding, and respectful person, you’re creating a safer and more welcoming world for everyone in the rainbow community.
